Over the past few weeks I have reaquainted myself with Mystery Science Theater 3000, a show which, like Seinfeld, broke my heart at its close.

I was watching an episode called "Space Mutiny," which mocks the eponymous Sci-Fi B-film wherein a buffed, high-school-football-star-looking "hero" (see below) runs around a large boiler room (ostensibly the bowels of a large space ship) and shoots people.

Mike and the 'bots proceed to assign him phony action hero names throughout the movie, all of which absolutely kill me. I was able to put together a list of all the names they call him during the film (with a little Google help...I don't have that much time on my hands). N.B., names are best enjoyed when spoken out loud in your best movie trailer voice-over voice: "This summer, Tom Cruise is [insert name here]." I guarantee a few chuckles at best, 10 minutes of wasted time at worst. Enjoy!


Slab Bulkhead
Fridge Largemeat
Punt Speedchunk
Butch Deadlift
Bold Bigflank
Splint Chesthair
Flint Ironstag
Bolt VanderHuge
Thick McRunfast
Blast Hardcheese
Buff Drinklots
Trunk Slamchest
Fist Rockbone
Stump Beefgnaw
Smash Lampjaw
Punch Rockgroin
Buck Plankchest
Stump Chunkman
Dirk Hardpeck
Rip Steakface
Crud Bonemeal
Brick Hardmeat
Rip Sidecheek
Lump Beefbroth
Punch Sideiron
Gistle McThornbody
Slate Fistcrunch
Buff Hardback
(Bob Johnson)
Blast Thickneck
Crunch Buttsteak
Slab Squatthrust
Lump Beefbroth
Touch Rustrod
Reef Blastbody
Big McLargehuge
Smoke ManMuscle
Beat PunchBeef
Pack Blowfist
Roll Fizzlebeef