Diet Advice

I have no qualifications to offer dietary advice. I am no doctor, nurse, nutritionist, life coach, counselor, personal trainer, or helpful grocery store clerk. I have no certifications, save only the “Sexiest Man Alive” novelty magazine cover I got at Six Flags last year, and if People magazine is to be trusted (and I believe it should be – fully and without question), my claim to this title is dubious. In spite of this, and consistent with the American way, I shall offer dietary advice below without qualification or compunction. I rarely make guarantees of any sort, but if you take this advice to heart, I guarantee that you will be healthier and happier than if you did not.*

• General dietary advice:
• Your mom was right about fruits and vegetables. Eat enough of them to justify the expense of fancier, quilted toilet paper brands.
• Never eat anything that is “Southern Fried,” or “Country Fried.” These designations are only with us today because they are easier to spell than “Arteriosclerosis.”
• If the word “popcorn” is applied to anything other than puffed kernels of maize, it’s not good for you.
• The following items do not go well with Tuna fish:
• Chocolate
• Peanut butter
• Chewing gum
• Never consume the following:
• Tripe, or any other food referenced by a word that also means, “garbage.”
• Chicken Fried Steak. This shouldn’t be a thing.
• Haggis. Seriously.
• Spotted dick. We won the Revolutionary War, folks. We are no longer subject to the British Parliament, its food inclusive.
• Restaurant advice:
• The relative healthfulness of a given restaurant’s cuisine is inversely proportional to:
• The number of flavors of gelatin available at its buffet.
• The square footage of the indoor playground on its premises.
• Avoid restaurants that have the word, “Fix’ns” on menus or signage.
• Any restaurant with menus that have a “belly buster” section should be abandoned immediately.
• Consume no meal with the word “lumberjack” in its title unless you are as physically active as an actual lumberjack.
• If you must choose between an “All You Can Eat” and “All-U-Can-Eat!” buffet, choose the former.
• The “Employees Must Wash Hands,” sign is a sign, not a guarantee.
• Hair in your food evinces shameful heath standards at any restaurant, irrespective of its length, color, or bodily origin.
• Restaurants with “bottomless” or “unlimited” items should be held in high suspicion.
• Bacon-specific advice:
• Never put yourself in a situation where you have the option of ordering “extra” bacon.
• Avoid establishments where bacon may be added to any dish for less than $1.
• “Applewood smoked bacon” is not healthier than regular bacon. Do not be deceived.
• Combining bacon and cheese is the physiological equivalent of smoking Pall Mall’s and chewing Skoal.
• Homer and other Greek mythologists only chose nectar and ambrosia as the food of the gods because they didn’t know about bacon. Use it sparingly, and with trembling.
• Advice for parents:
• Recent studies indicate that it takes approximately 30 seconds for bacteria to attach to foodstuffs that are dropped on the floor. This trumps the “5 second rule,” but does not trump the “Hair, dirt and lint attach immediately” rule.
• If you are not grossed out at least once per day by your children at the dinner table, you are not eating with them.
• The sugar content of any food is directly proportional to the number of cartoon characters on the packaging.
• Restrictive diet advice:
• Vegetarians: Don’t hate me for loving bacon.
• Vegans: Don’t hate me for loving bacon and eggs.
• Raw vegans: Don’t hate me for loving my stove.
• Lacto-ovo vegetarians: Scitis Latina, but this doesn’t make you ipso facto healthy.
• Flexitarians: This designation doesn’t hide the fact that you’re really just an omnivore with vegetarian friends. Just be yourself, and send back that tofu and pepperoni pizza.
• Pescatarians: Fish have (a) faces, (b) feelings, (c) an important role in the environment, (d) dwindling numbers and threatened species, (e) mercury.
• Macrobiotics: I would make a recommendation about consuming daikon and ogonori, but frankly, they sound made up.

Happy eating!
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*not a guarantee